The Botereid

Friday, October 29, 2004

The Bin Laden Video

Eh. So he's alive.

While I've heard better news, I don't call it a cause for concern. Was this released to somehow affect the election? In the words of Edmund Burke: "Duh."* Bin Laden didn't come back from retirement for the love of the game, especially not four days before the big show itself. What's the effect he's hoping to have? Let me be frank: Um, I don't know. I don't care. People have been taking it any old way they please. Most assume that it'll harm their candidate (or at least voice that assumption), but I ascribe that to pre-election jitters. So we know there's one more blackguard out there plotting doom and destruction. That's right, "one more." Is there any doubt that there are thousands more like him? It doesn't scare me that he's still around. It's the fact that he is but one of many.

Finally, Osama, get with the times. Standing by your lonesome, wagging your finger, and rambling about the iniquity of the Western world is so 2002. I don't want to be too hard -- I know you've been cloistered these past few years and all -- but let me clue you in. If you want to play the game these days you need a mask, preferably one that makes you look like a third-rate ninja. You need a flag on the wall behind you. You need goons on both sides, brandishing shiny weapons. You might need a hostage of random nationality. Then you need to start issuing demands. What good is a video if you don't tell us what you want? Be clear. Lists are our friends. I mean, it's downright unreasonable to just rant about our evils. Now, asking us to pull out over 100,000 troops in 3 days or something like that, that's what I call being reasonable.

At the very least, issue a fatwa on our collective Western brow or something. We could all go hide at Bono's house. And maybe he could ask on my behalf for all the first-world nations to forgive my credit card debt.

Eh. It's late, in many ways, and this just doesn't matter. Go to sleep. It'll be a more judicious use of your time.

* Edmund Burke may or may not have ever employed this phrase.

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